20 July 2008

Between "The Dark Knight" and me...

It's me, sat inside the cinema with my girlfriend, Natalia. The movie was The Dark Knight. This time, Batman a.k.a Bruce Wayne face his arch nemesis...The Joker. But this time, I'd like to talk about the complex psychological problems faced by each characters and compared to what already happened to me....the things I have done ...and the future that lies ahead ...

First, let's see Joker. This man....kills ....torch.... blast.....for fun! Now, for a moment, please...just sit down and think, have you ever come into the same mental situation? Maybe you're mad at somebody, maybe it's because your day is filled with nothing than silly boring jobs...maybe you're in serious relationship troubles...bla bla bla. And when you find no way out, suddenly your mind gets crazy and all you wanna do is "the hell with rules, I want to do it my way....my way only...just get out from my way...". You're tired with your live, so you want to break through. And usually you end up with secret mistress, alcohol, brutal sex. And if it's so damn depressing, probably you want to blow your own head?

To tell you the truth, in some part of my life, I have been living with "Joker alike" style. This is not a lie. Well, I didn't slice somebody else' face with razor or knive, but I mad at people like crazy from time to time. Maybe because I stood too hard defending my principles...but in the end.... it makes me as uncontrollable man, ready to unleash raging fury. Even 'til this very moment, that dark side of me is still there. Hiding, sneaking behind the shadow...looking for a chance to once again come up. It makes me nuts...

Now, let's check Harvey Dent...or later we find him as Two face. He's the man who once stand against crime so hard. So hard that he risks everything to put every bad guys in jail. How about you? You think the same way as he is? Then what happened, when you find out that what you have done...in almost your entire life...smashed away because somebody don't really believe in you...or worse, they betrayed you? I can tell you how it's feel. It's like a bullet shot right into your brain. Not only it introduce great amount of pain, but it also makes you hate yourself.

I say, screw with money. I am not saying money isn't important, but is that all you expect as a return for all your work? How about respect? How about trust? How about friendship? How about love? Once I worked on something, solely because I want to share something with other people. But day after day, I saw I didn't really change anything. Things still go bad and community didn't really appreciate me. That's strike two pal.

The last...and the best part, is Batman itself. He thinks it's the time to quit, because harvey in his opinion already do Batman's job nicely. Without acting like vigilante, he puts the criminals behind the bars, so Batman practically and eventually won't be needed again. So, he thinks he can put "Batman" at rest and become normal again. But it doesn't happen. Batman is still needed as Gotham ultimate protector.

Lately I thought the same way. Is it the time to stop everything I have done for years...start living normal...build happy family...and let "the other me" banished? For once....I almost did that. But I can't...at least for now. I still didn't find somebody else with the same level of seriousness, focus and dedication. I believe Bruce is a little bit more lucky in this case, Harvey shows a good prospect...well up until Rachel is dead and he began to uphold justice with his own way.

So, here I am... in front of a PC at 00:00... My head is filled with tons of questions like "is it right?", "why am I doing this?", "I am tired, should I quit?", "I think that was true, but not anymore". I guess the answer could be provided simply by faith to God. Or maybe, like Harvey did, is a matter of believing in chance. 50-50... 50% ... 1:1. It might go wrong or right. It could screw your life or magically make it better. You end up in jail or arise as hero. You meet with a slut or woman of your dream. List can continue but the bottom line is, I think we can not entirely control our life. I learned that the hard way, but then I asked myself "so it's just a matter of luck? Sounds bad..."

Or...maybe... it's because we're just afraid of ourselves. And we create symbols, like Batman... to conquer our fear. Fear of live..fear of being rejected...fear of failure...

PS: Before you leave this site, think of what Harvey said
"You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain"



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